Shares

After Kenneth and I graduated college, we couldn’t wait to move in together. It was a shared dream, and eventually, a mantra we would chant to ourselves as we grinded through the beginning of our careers.

Whenever I felt myself buckling under the pressure of adulting, I would escape into a daydream of waking up next to him every morning for the rest of my life. Together in a high-sitting bed with satin sheets, plush pillows and a luxurious comforter in the privacy of a house we bought ourselves.

I told him we couldn’t move in together until I had a full-time job and he had gotten at least one pay raise. Eventually, we got married and moved in together into our first apartment, and then our second, and third, and now finally, a house.

Our income— down to every extra penny—spent together from joint checking and savings accounts for the past five years. It was the natural choice; we could do more with our finances combined. Plus, we’re married and that’s what married couples do.

We’re together.

And then, a few weeks ago, Kenneth decided we should break up our joint accounts and each take responsibility for a certain bill. We should separate our money.

My heart immediately sunk into my chest. It was like he was asking for a divorce.

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We’re just too different

We both love passionate discussions, but he isn’t one for emotionally-charged arguments. We rarely have marital spats, but when we do, it’s almost always about money.

He said our spending habits are simply too different. He is extremely cautious and prioritizes saving for a rainy day, and I believe money is meant to be smartly spent and invested.

I have this knack for complicating things— my finances included. I’m constantly organizing my three-month, six-month and yearly financial goals. I like spreadsheets and budgets. I wake up and check my bank account before looking at text messages or catching up on social media. You can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once: I’m a firm believer in that.

Kenneth rarely spends money beyond bills and necessities. He likes to keep things simple, streamlined. He takes life one day at time, appreciates every opportunity as it presents himself. He optimistic and present.

He believes individual accounts allow us to each manage our money the way we like. No need for discussions that inevitably lead to arguments. He’ll no longer cringe at the sight of my “compulsive” buys or answer to my questions about his transaction. I don’t have to get his divine approval to buy bed sheets.

In his mind, it’s a simple and clear fix.

The situation is different. I’m different.

It’d be unfair to make it seem like his request to separate our funds came out of the blue. Admittedly, I’m the one who wanted to completely rearrange our finances.

I let Kenneth handle everything until about a few weeks ago. He paid every bill and set up every account (although my name has been added to all of them.) Since I do most housework and cooking and overall shopping, the rest of our funds fell into my domain.

I’m ashamed to confess that I relied on him so much to handle everything else, I couldn’t tell you who our electricity provider was when asked.

That’s how we did it together. That’s how we’ve always done it.

It just doesn’t work for me anymore.

Earlier this year, I left a toxic work environment. In my new job, I’m maintaining healthy relationships with my co-workers and supervisors. I’m establishing much needed boundaries between my work and home life.

Working from home through the pandemic has given me space to build better work life balance. For the first time in my adult life, I’m not obsessed with work or my co-workers.

Without my job occupying my every waking thought. I’ve become curious about other aspects of my life and I want to be more involved— and that includes our money.

Arguing about money is what couples do, right?

For me, “I don’t want to argue” isn’t a legitimate excuse— that’s being in a marriage. There’s always going to be important decisions that we don’t completely see eye to eye on. It’s crucial we continue developing the skills necessary to navigate those disagreements.

Lately, we’ve been having serious conversations about starting a family. What happens when we have different opinions about parenting? It’s like he can’t parent the boy, and I can parent the girl.

It’s difficult but we need to get on the same page.

In my opinion, we need to talk through our different concerns and priorities and find common ground, or we need to create new goals all together.

Being of a generation that prides itself in having financially independent women, I can’t help but feel old-fashioned for having these thoughts.

It’s just to me, it’s either ours and us…or it’s not.

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